Episode 291: Boundary Setting for the Actor

Planning Out Your Day the Night Before Today I'm going to be talking about boundaries. The Language of Letting Go One of the things that comes up for actors quite often is setting boundaries with the representation, with a director of a play or a student film or a feature film, or even, what happened to me on a commercial set, where I was almost physically abused. So boundaries are something that is very valuable for us to know in our work as an actor, but also, of course, in our personal life.  “Sometimes life and people seem to push and push.Because we sometimes may have been so used to pain, we may tell ourselves that it doesn't hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves that there is something wrong with us.” So the first part of that is something that I used to do is go “it's just me, so it doesn't matter.” The second part is, we may tell ourselves that there is something wrong with us.  Now, the word shame, and this is not really a subject that I talk about too much, because if you have shame issues, that is truly something that I need to work on with you in a private one on one session. Because it is such an emotional issue, but shame is believing that there is something defective about you.  So a lot of times when we're not setting boundaries, people always just take advantage of me. There must be something wrong with me.  But when I'm doing that, I'm putting myself in that catabolic energy of victim. When I put myself in the catabolic energy of victim, oof, I'm in trouble.  I need to move into the anabolic energy of responsibility.  And that is definitely what setting boundaries is all about.  Now, how can we tell if we are being controlled and manipulated? So one of the things I talk about is taking a step back. And if you put your hand on your face, what you'll notice is that when you look at your hand, you can't really see it. But when you remove it about six to eight inches, you've taken a step back from it, you can, and when that happens, you are in a place to observe. But when somebody you feel like you're being manipulated, it's that hand just magically finds its way onto your face.  But again, you do have the power to take a step back and observe and ask yourself if this is healthy for you.  Another thing that I find very helpful is when I'm feeling someone may be manipulating me. I just listen, force myself not to say anything, but just listen and allow myself to take the opportunity to really hear what it is they are asking of me. The other thing that I find very helpful is to never answer yes right away.  Say that sounds like a very interesting opportunity, let me get back to you. Let me think about it and let me get back to you tomorrow and then really get back to them tomorrow.  So that again, you're giving yourself that space to take a step back and observe to see if what they're asking you to do is, are you being manipulated, or is this potentially a really great opportunity for you?  In family situations, little thing that I find to be very helpful, and it's taking your power back in a very particular way, is that, again, I spend more time listening and less time talking. And one of the ways I've trained myself to do that in very specific situations is I only speak when I am spoken to. So that again, I can stay with me, not abandon myself, not give my power away in any way, but really observe what everybody is saying and doing.  So I can decide what I want to be a part of and what I do not.  This allows for a period of observation, a period of observation in the relationship you are in question about, or in the relationships you are in question about.  There is nothing wrong with us. We are not defective. But life pushes and hurts sometimes to get our attention. Sometimes the pain and the pushing are pointing us towards a lesson that we need to learn to welcome more good, more abundance and a better chance for success to happen to us.  One of the things that I always say is that I think that we are always being taught lessons. Again, that quieter period of observation is so important so that we can observe what is going on in ourselves and asking the universe and asking ourselves, what is the lesson that I need to be learning here?  See, all of a sudden, when you're doing these things that I'm talking about now, you are taking yourself out of the victim role and putting yourself into taking real responsibility for your life. Because sometimes the lesson may be that we've become too controlling.  Take a step back. What are the words that I am saying? What is my motivation in the relationship?  And I just gave you a great journal exercise right there. Why am I saying the words that I am saying? And what is my motivation in the relationship? Because a lot of the time what I have found is that I am really being pushed to stick by me so that when I [ set a boundary, I don't abandon myself and also to take care of myself on a deeper level.  A couple little phrases to remind you of, “taking care of ourselves pays enormous dividends.” “Whatever I put before taking care of myself, I am going to lose.” If something or somebody is pushing us to our limits, that is exactly what may be happening.  We may be pushed to our limits and we can be grateful that this experience is here to help us to explore this area of boundaries. And I know you're like, Oh God, puke! That is not something I'm excited about learning about. If it's not, guess what? You need to learn it.  It's like ab work at the gym. It's like the most important thing you can do is get strong in your core.  The most important thing you can do is to set boundaries and stick by yourself when you do it. Give yourself permission to set the limits that you want and need to set in your life and in your acting career.  Again, another really great empowering question and journal questions that I'm giving you in this podcast is “What are my needs?”  Write down, what are your needs? How can you get them met? Who can I, listen to this word, appropriately get them met by? Don't go to the hardware store for lemons.  There are certain friends that I have that I can pour my heart out to. There's other friends that pouring my heart out to may not necessarily be in my best interest because they're not available to me in that sort of emotional and kind way. Not that they aren't kind and not that they aren't wonderful, but they may be somebody great to go to if I'm having a business issue or having a mathematical issue. They may be the better friends for that.  A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.  There's another phrase that says you get what you tolerate.  Be careful in setting boundaries. Write them out. Pause, think, pray, talk it over with someone else if you need to. One of the most valuable things I learned about boundary setting is you tell someone what you need, and leave the word you out.  You tell someone how you feel and what you need, but you leave the word you out.  “I feel frustrated when a call is set up and there is no answer. I need for us to stick to our appointments.” That would be setting a boundary where I'm keeping it on me.  It's about my frustration and what I need.  Not saying, “I feel frustrated when I call you and you're not there. I need for you to be there when I want you to be.”  You get it? Because that second example puts someone on the defense. Think about that. Think about all the ways that you can take care of yourself and stick by yourself when setting boundaries in your personal life and also in your acting career.