Journey of Attachment: Influencing Other People’s Choices

You may not have awareness when it comes to your actions impacting other people—I sure didn’t! On the one hand I would try so hard to make an impact, and on the other I would feel/believe I had no impact. It actually kept me trying harder and harder, and it was always surprising when I found I made a difference. I thought I was altruistic in teaching them, but if I am honest, I was really strategizing. Maybe you think you’re doing someone a favor by nudging them toward something that’s good for them, or toward something you think they want. Most of the time it really isn’t about them. It’s about you and what you want. Let’s say you’re encouraging your partner to go back to school because it will help them get a better job. After all, they hate their job, so this is their ticket out. But you have to ask yourself if it’s REALLY for them, or if you have your own motivation. Do you want more stability? A more comfortable lifestyle? You may be trying to create what you want because you see yourself as an extension of their success or failure. You feel it is a reflection on you. Plus you may feel you need to perform to keep them around. If you teach them, perhaps they will love you more. Any form of control over someone else is an illusion. No amount of force or manipulation (even if it’s well-intended) can make people do what you want them to. They are going to make their own choices, and resisting that just results in struggle. It’s also a road to disappointment. Instead of putting energy toward influencing someone else’s choices, focus on making good ones yourself. When you do that, what other people do ceases to matter as much. You’re comfortable letting things be as they are. If you find yourself unable to accept your partner’s choices, ask yourself why it’s so important to you. Is it really about what you want? What are you afraid to lose? Happiness doesn’t exist at the end of your orchestrated plan. Give yourself what you’re trying to get from them and allow their choices to be what they are.